


The Pain of Leaving

by Indefensible2017



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F, I miss berena, i am sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 22:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11655624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indefensible2017/pseuds/Indefensible2017
Summary: This story interchanges between Bernie as she decides to go back to the army and Serena as she decides to leave the vineyard. This is not total angst but does contain large quantities of it.





	The Pain of Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short 1/1 on how I would prefer things to go on August 8th, as I expect to be disappointed and cry into a glass of Shiraz and wish I wasn't so invested in these two. So if I was a Holby script writer this is what I would write for that episode. :) 
> 
> I'd love to read your comments if you enjoy this and if you have any ideas for any other stories 'cause I'm just gonna live on AO3 for the foreseeable.

**The Pain of Leaving**

 

Bernie stood in Hanssen’s office, looking at him anxiously as he sat behind the desk. His expression was one of sadness, as though he knew the words that were about the leave her mouth before she had spoken them.

Bernie felt her words sit in her chest like a deadweight. Sadness had collected inside her over the last six months to the point where it now just consumed her entirely. She felt lost, having allowed her heart to be overcome by despair as she had waited for Serena to come back. She knew if she waited any longer she would lose herself completely. “I’ve decided to go back to the army.”

“Right.” Hanssen’s expression didn’t change. His tone didn’t demand any more information than Bernie had provided but she felt as though she owed him more.

“Without the trauma unit it doesn’t feel like there’s much left for me at Holby anymore. I think a fresh start would be the best thing.” Bernie was sure Guy Self had pushed for the trauma unit to be closed out of spite, some sick form of revenge for how Serena had treated him. He had claimed it was no longer cost effective and Bernie had known otherwise but felt powerless to stop him. She had simply watched as hospital porters wheeled out the kit from the unit. Serena had been so proud of her for opening the unit, and now, like Serena, it was gone. 

“What about Serena?”

_Serena._

Bernie’s heart still ached at the sound of her name. “We haven’t spoken since she left. She isn’t coming back.”

Hanssen remained silent. 

“RAMC have asked I rejoin them as soon as possible. Nina has offered to cover in AAU until a locum can start so I’ll be going tonight.”

“Very well.”

Bernie left his office, letting a heavy breath left her body. She hoped telling Fletch and Morven would be quite as simple. 

It felt like fate that an army officer would be admitted into AAU this morning, that she would tell Bernie stories of how rewarding and exciting army life still was, how she needed a medic in their unit and, her dislocated shoulder permitting, they were flying out tonight should Bernie wish to join them. 

Bernie had barely had to think twice about it. Her heart had filled with hope at the idea of being back in the field, being able to focus entirely on saving the lives of the soldiers around her, with no memories of Serena. 

Bernie felt as though she were still clinging to Serena in some way. She still slept in their bed, her fingers stretched out to where Serena used to sleep, imaging she was still there. She still drank Shiraz at home, the taste reminding her of how Serena’s lips used to taste when they kissed. She still breathed Serena’s name when she touched herself. She still sat on her side of the desk at work, leaving Serena’s side so covered in files that no one else could sit there. 

The idea of life without any memory of Serena felt painful and made tears prick Bernie’s eyes but she knew she clinging to a ghost. Serena had chosen to leave Holby to go find herself. Now it was Bernie’s opportunity to do the same.

 

* * *

 

A smile flickered on Serena’s lips as she folded her clothes into the suitcase laid out on her bed. The sunlight poured through the open windows, the smell of the vineyards pouring into Serena’s bedroom.

She had been here for months, had lost track of time, her only concerns the running of the vineyard and the stories in the novels she had worked her way through.

Elinor’s death had left a gaping hole in Serena’s heart that she had doubted would ever be mended, but as she had travelled and soaked up the sunshine of a foreign land she had slowly felt her heart start to heal. The space away from Holby had been exactly what Serena had needed, as hard as it had been not to hear from Bernie whilst she had been away. She had wanted to call but with no idea when or if she would be back Serena felt as though contacting her would do more harm than good. She had no hope to offer Bernie.

Ric had called a few weeks ago to tell her of Jasmine’s death, a loss Serena had not expected, but she had found herself able to cope with the news, a sign of her healing heart and mind. As Serena's heart had healed she had come to realise the underlying ache in her body at the memory of Bernie. Her beautiful Berenice. 

With no demands or expectations, Bernie had been everything Serena had needed and yet Serena had given nothing in return. She had defended the indefensible as Serena had spiralled out of control until eventually Serena knew she had no option but to leave, else risk them both being destroyed by her grief. 

Serena remembered how they had parted at the airport, Bernie’s hands tight in hers as they stood in silence until Serena’s flight had been called. Serena had felt Bernie’s bottom lip tremble as they had kissed, had been unable to look at her one last time as she had walked away, for fear she wouldn’t be able to make the journey she knew she so badly needed.

Memories of Bernie had become more and more frequent in Serena’s mind over the last few days and she had realised as she had awoken that morning, her heart sinking as her hands had searched for Bernie’s body to find only empty space on the other side of the bed, that it was time to go back. 

Now, as she finished packing her bags, Serena felt nervousness build inside of her. What would Bernie say when she returned? Should she call first? No, Serena decided, she wanted it to surprise her, to gather her up in her arms in the middle of AAU and kiss the life out of her.

Serena laughed to herself at how embarrassed Bernie would be from such a public display of affection, at first at least, until that smile that Serena loved so much spread across her lips. She would take Bernie’s hand, guide her to her car and drive her home, throw her down on their bed and show her just how much she’d missed her.

The thought of having Bernie's body beneath her made Serena's stomach somersault and her knees feel weak, a sensation Serena hadn’t experienced since Elinor's death. She so badly needed to show Bernie just how loved she was, how wanted she was.

The sound of the taxi parking up outside pulled Serena from her thoughts and she carried her suitcase downstairs, warmly shaking the hands of the people she had stayed with before climbing into the cab. 

“Où allons-nous?” the driver asked. 

“À l'aéroport s'il vous plaît.” Serena replied, her heart beating rapidly in her chest as butterflies danced in her stomach. In just a few hours she would back in Holby. She would be back with Bernie.

 

* * *

 

Leaving AAU had been more difficult than Bernie had anticipated. Morven and Fletch had not taken the news well, had asked endless questions about why she was going so quickly, if she would ever come back. Bernie had simply told them it felt like the right thing for her to do. She took just one item from the office before leaving - a photo of Serena from her desk that she slipped in her pocket.

Nina had promised to take care of AAU and Bernie had thanked her although she realised that she didn’t care anymore. The ward that she had shared with Serena, that she had been so thrilled to be a part of, was not the same ward it had been when Serena had been there. It felt like a graveyard full of memories that stung as she recalled them.

Leaving Serena’s house was the hardest of all, tears flowing freely down her face as she stood looking at their bed. She knew nothing in her life would ever match the happiness she had felt laying next to Serena, skin against skin, lingering kisses and endless whispers of affection.

Bernie wiped her eyes as she closed the front door and posted her keys through the letterbox. Jason had agreed to take care of the house until Serena returned… if Serena returned. Bernie felt her hands shake as she slung her rucksack over the shoulder, her army uniform thick and heavy against her skin as she walked over to her car. 

Going back to the army felt like life had come full circle in some ways. Only now Bernie was without Alex, without Marcus, without her kids, without Serena.

_Loss after loss after loss._

Bernie breathed in deeply as she drove to the airport, trying to settle down her emotions.“This is the right thing to do.” she told herself out loud, as though speaking the words would make them more convincing. 

She wanted to go back to the army but something inside of her was telling her to stay. Stay for just one more day. See what happens. Bernie pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind and kept on driving. 

Bernie parked up at the airport and headed inside, the masses of people making it difficult to see where she needed to go. The departure boards lined any available wall space and she studied them carefully until she found her flight. Gate 22. 

Bernie bent down to pick up the rucksack she’d placed at her feet, the weight of it making her knees ache. She certainly needed to get fitter before they let her back out into the field. As she looked back up at the crowds she saw a glimpse of someone leaving the airport that made her heart flutter.

She’d recognise that red coat from anywhere, surely. 

Before she could take a second look the figure was gone and Bernie’s heart dropped. She let out a shuddering breath, chastising herself for being so foolish. Why would Serena be here? 

Enough chasing ghosts. Enough wishing for Serena to appear. It was time to move on. Bernie headed for her gate.

 

* * *

 

Serena’s plane landed in London on time and she quickly made her way through the airport and to the nearest taxi rank, requesting to be taken to Holby City. The driver nodded his understanding and Serena pulled out her hand mirror, reapplying lipstick that matched her deep red coat, and running her fingers through her hair.

She wondered what Bernie would think of her. She was a little greyer than she had been last time they had seen each other, and a little thinner, but she knew the brightness that had once been in her eyes was back, had become even brighter since she had decided to return to Holby.

She shifted nervously in the passenger seat of the taxi. What should she say? _‘I’m back’_ seemed a little obvious. Maybe she wouldn’t say anything, maybe she should just kiss her. Serena smiled at the thought of Bernie’s lips against her own. 

The taxi ride seemed to take forever but eventually pulled up outside the hospital and Serena grabbed her case from the boot before heading inside. Her mouth was dry and she could feel her heart beating loudly in her chest as the lift took her up to AAU. 

The smell of the hospital brought back memories of when she had left. She had spent endless nights here, drinking herself into numbness before going home to sleep on the couch, too embarrassed to let Bernie see her so pathetic and weak. Now, as the lift doors opened onto her ward, Serena felt strong. 

It was Fletch she saw first as he stopped abruptly in the corridor like he'd seen a ghost. “Serena?” he asked.

“Hi.” Serena smiled meekly, suddenly feeling like a stranger in her own hospital.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, engulfing her in a tight hug.

“I’ve actually come to see Bernie.” she blushed, biting her lip. “Is she here?” 

The worry that crossed Fletch’s face made Serena’s heart drop. Had something happened to Bernie?

“She’s not here, Serena.” Fletch replied uncomfortably.

“Is she okay? What’s happened?”

“She’s gone… she's gone back to the army.” Fletch reached out, his fingers stroking Serena's arm affectionately, “I’m sorry.”

“When did she go?” Serena held back the tears that threatened to fall. She was too late. 

“About an hour ago. It was all pretty sudden.”

“Then there might still be time.” She couldn't give up on her. 

Fletch grinned, "I'll drive you.”

Serena left her suitcase in the locker room as Fletch grabbed his coat and within minutes they were in Fletch’s car, pelting down the motorway.

Serena was sure they’d been caught by at least three speed cameras by the time they arrived at the airport but neither of them seemed to care. Fletch’s car swerved into the nearest available space to the airport and they both jumped out, Serena breaking into a jog as she quickly found the flight on the departure board and headed straight for it.

She could hear Fletch behind her as she ran, keeping up with her as they dodged through the crowds of people to gate 22.

_Please still be there_

 

* * *

 

Bernie stood in the long queue of people waiting to board the plane, her ticket in her hand. She stared down at the writing on the ticket. This would be her new life.

She would operate in a tent rather than the high-spec operating theatres of Holby City. She would live off adrenaline rather than coffee and pastries. She would sleep in a small wooden bunk rather than the soft warmth of her and Serena’s bed. She would be happier, she told herself. 

She caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection of a window as she stood in the queue. Her army fatigues still fit her in much the same way as they had a year ago but she looked different. Her eyes showed the tired desperation of having had heartbroken and not being able to figure out how to put the pieces back together.

Bernie knew she was running away. Running away from the loss of the trauma unit, the mess she had made of AAU as she had tried to run it single-handedly, the loss of Serena.

Bernie pulled out the photo of Serena from her pocket, having transferred it from her jeans to her uniform when she’d been at Serena’s house. She couldn’t bring herself to leave it, she needed _something_ to remind her of what she had had. She let her fingers trace over Serena’s face in the photo before she pushed it back into her pocket. 

“This is the right thing to do.” she repeated to herself under her breath as the queue moved forward and people started to board the plane.

Eventually Bernie was handed over her plane ticket and passport to the woman on the gate. The woman checked over the documents, unaware of the how momentous the next few minutes would be in Bernie’s life. This was the point of no going back. 

“Bernie!” 

The sound of her name being called out made Bernie spin around. 

_That voice._

Serena was stood at the entrance to the gate, a desperate look on her face.

“Serena?” Bernie couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

Serena ran over to her, ducking under the queue barrier to stand next to her, taking her hands in her own tightly. “Please don’t go. I don’t want you to go.” Serena’s voice shook. 

Bernie felt tears sting her eyes. “You’re really here.”

Serena nodded, “Please. I love you. Don’t go. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you.” Bernie’s voice cracked and she closed her eyes as tears stung her cheeks. Relief filled her body as she focused on the feeling of Serena’s hands holding hers, and then the feeling of Serena’s lips on her face, kissing away her tears. The familiar smell of Serena’s perfume made her heart surge.

Bernie opened her eyes, reaching out to touch Serena’s slightly greying hair. “You’re even more beautiful than I remembered.” she whispered. “God it feels like years.” 

“Darling, I came back for you.” Serena looked at her, eyes full of worry that Bernie might still leave.

“I’m so sorry, I should have waited for you. I was just so desperately sad without you, Serena. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Shush, shush.” Serena wiped the tears that continued to fall down Bernie’s face, her lips coming to meet with Bernie’s in a featherlight kiss. 

Bernie felt her knees go weak at the sensation of Serena’s lips against hers. She deepened the kiss, a soft moan escaping her mouth as Serena’s tongue met with hers until they broke for air, eyes searching each others as nervous smiles pulled at their lips. 

“I want you to stay,” Serena pleaded, “please will you stay?”

“Yes,” Bernie replied, “’yes, Serena, I’ll stay.” 

_Fin_


End file.
